Golf Jokes:
To celebrate thirty years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at Pebble Beach.
Approaching the third tee, the wife said, "Darling, you have made me the happiest woman in the world. You've shared with me thirty exciting and wonderful years. My only regret is that I could not give you children, but I know it was not your fault. I know at times you thought it was, but it was not. I want you to know how much I adore you, and I want to make a confession. Thirty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before we met."
The husband threw a fit! He cursed, threw his driver away, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable cheat! I thought we were honest with each other. How could you? I trusted you! How could you take advantage of me by playing from the ladies' tees all these years?"
Great Website for golf jokes: http://www.golfun.net/jokes_menu.htm
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Religious battle golf
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
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Golf is Better Than Sex
- You can't fall out of bed playing golf
- It's highly unlikely you could catch a sexually transmitted disease playing golf
- You don't feel embarrassed playing golf in daylight
- If your ball gets damaged in golf you can replace it - and they're not expensive
- Golf doesn't care if you respect it or not
- You can play golf by yourself
- You don't have to buy someone a meal to play golf with them
- It's really hard to gamble on sex
- You can keep your clothes on while playing golf
- A headache is not a valid reason for missing a round of golf
- You can't get a handicap in sex if you're no good at it
- Golf lasts a lot longer than sex - unless you are *really* good at sex
- You can join a golf club for guaranteed participation
- You can play competitions in golf
- I've never heard of anyone scoring an eagle in sex
- Your not likely to get into trouble for playing golf with someone else's partner
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WHO SAID GOLF IS COMPLICATED?
Once a player has mastered the grip and stance, all he has to bear in mind, in the brief two-second interval it takes to swing, is to keep his left elbow pointed in toward the left hip and his right arm loose and closer to the body than the left and take the club head past his right knee and then break the wrists at just the right instant while the left arm is still traveling straight back from the ball and the right arm stays glued to the body and the hips come around in a perfect circle and meanwhile everything is mucked up unless the weight is 60 percent on the left foot and 40 percent on the right - not an ounce more or less - and at just the right point in the turn the left knee bends in toward the right in a dragging motion until the left heel comes off the ground but not too far and be sure the hands are over the right foot but not on the toe more than the heel except that the left side of the right foot is tilted off the ground - but not too far - and be sure the hands at the top of the swing are high and the shaft points along a line parallel with the ground and if its a downhill lie the shaft is supposed to be pointed downhill too and pause at the top of the swing and count one, jerk the left arm straight down like a bell ringer yanking a belfry rope and don't uncock the wrists too soon and pull the left hip around in a circle but don't let the shoulders turn with the hips - they have to be facing the hole and now transfer the weight 60 percent to the left foot and 40 percent to the right - not an ounce more or less - and tilt the left foot now so the right side of it is straight (that's the one you hit against) watch out for the left hand, it's supposed to be extended, but not too stiff or the shot won't go anywhere and don't let it get loose or you will hook, then let the wrists uncock but don't force them or you'll smother the shot and don't break too soon but keep your head down then hit the ball!
THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!! . .
Unless you move your head, then you're screwed!!!!
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Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
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Non-golf related crime report:
One evening, to burglars broke into a drug store and managed to steal a large quantity of a drug, known as Viagra. The local PD is now on the look out for two hardened criminals.
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Golfing with an older man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
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Posted at a local golf club...
- 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
- 2. Form a loose grip.
- 3. Keep your head down.
- 4. Avoid a quick swing.
- 5. Stay out of the water.
- 6. Try not to hit anyone.
- 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
- 8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
- 9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
- 10. Don't take extra strokes.
- Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
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Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away. "Quick," said the one ant to the other. "Get on the ball before he kills us."
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On a nice Saturday morning this summer I'm having a game with a man, 25 years old. Getting ready to put on the second hole, we see that woman running towards us in a wedding gown. The young man with me looks at her and says:" I told you: only if it rains!"
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A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"
"Yes, I am," he replied.
St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
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James addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!
James and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet.
"Good heavens" exclaimed James, "what shall I do?"
"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it two club lengths away."
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It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"
Joe had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
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A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!" "Hey, good trade!" replied the friend!
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A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
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Lee Trevino and Chi Chi Rodriguez were playing golf. As they walked down the 13th fairway, they saw a string of Port-O-Johns on the side. Trying to get Chi Chi's goat, Lee said, "Where I come from, we call those Puerto Rican condominiums." Not to be outdone, Chi Chi retorted, "That's right. We own them proudly. We even rent the basements out to the Mexicans."
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Tom was a golf fanatic and a religious man as well. He would always play golf on the weekends and also make sure he went to church. Tom was getting on in years, and one day after feeling rather poorly, he remarked to his wife, "I sure hope there is golf in the after-life, I feel terrible!" To which his wife replied, " Oh you'll feel better, go down to church and say a little prayer." Tom agreed and headed to church.
Upon kneeling at the pew, Tom whispered a prayer, "Oh Lord, thank you for everything, my health, my wife, and my golf game. I hope that when I reach Heaven that I can still play golf." The moment he finished, he heard a voice thunder, "Tom, this is the Lord, I hear you and will answer your question. Do you want the good news or the bad news first?" Tom was startled, "Well, give me the good news". The Lord replied, "The good news is that we have over 1000 championship golf courses, play is never slow, play is inexpensive, and you will never lose a golf ball. Also, tee times can always be arranged."
Tom was ecstatic, "That is wonderful! You've answered my prayer! What possibly can be the bad news?" The Lord replied, "You tee off tomorrow at 9:00 a.m."
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I was playing a round with an older fella and just as he was about ready to hit his tee shot omn the 3rd tee he noticed a funeral procession approaching. He took off his hat, put it over his heart, and stood silently and watched the procession go by until it disappeared.
I said, "That's really nice of you. Do you always do that when a funeral goes by?
He said "No, not usually, but I it's the least I could after 40 years married!"
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A wife asks her husband, "If I died, would you marry again?"
"I would!"
"And would you let her come into my house?"
"I would!"
"Would she be working in my kitchen?"
"She would!"
"Would she sleep in my bed?"
"She would!"
"Would she put her clothes in my press?"
"She would!"
"Would she have my Renault 4?"
"She would!"
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!"
"Why?"
"She's left-handed!"
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My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."